For the longest time, I have told people (and myself) that I’m
agnostic. Now that’s a pretty big statement; I’ve been raised by ardent Hindu
parents who took me on annual pilgrimages all over South India (much to my
sister’s and my dismay) and making such a declaration would come as a huge blow to them, to say the least. So was it some epiphany on one of these many trips that
led to my disillusionment? Or did I perhaps come across a great book/article
that changed my life? I wish I knew. But I do know when it happened – somewhere
during my UG I just decided that I’m not entirely sure I believe there is a God. Bam. I’m Agnostic.
Now this leads me to the next part of my rambling: having
decided that I don’t know if I believe in the existence of one omnipotent,
omniscient and omnipresent being who created us, I had to decide right? Whether
to restore my faith (at which point I realized “my faith” only included me
praying not to fail in mathematics every year) or go non-believer. Either way,
it’s a big leap and frankly, I wasn't ready for it.
It wasn't like I never tried. I was still taken to temples
by parents and I tried to feel that spiritual upliftment I always saw my dad
have and I felt nothing. I tried to think, maybe I’m an atheist who’s just
afraid to admit it. And that was when it hit me: my Agnosticism wasn't some
transitional period. It was just my desperate means to procrastinate the
inevitable: admitting I’m an atheist.
I wondered, then, whether this was the case with ALL
agnostics out there. Were we just waiting for that nudge? I mean, if we’re
willing to say we’re “not sure” if we believe in God’s existence, how much
farther is it to get to we “don’t” believe in His existence.
But I had to admit, there were moments when I couldn't wrap
the thought around my head: no invisible hand to catch me when I fall, no one
to pray to for a miracle… why would I want to rob myself of that? Why can’t I
just coast my way to a deathbed in my uncertain state? Saying something doesn't
exist because there’s no proof seemed pretty reasonable at this point, but was
I ready? It was a lot to give up.
Well, I wasn't ready then. At 19, it seemed too big a commitment, I’d rather
remain an agnostic. But now, at 22, I know I’d just been lying to myself this
whole while. And so I’m coming out of the Agnostic closet – I’m here, I'm Atheistic, get used to it!
Until my next exam is done and I await my results, anyway…
